Excuse me whilst I vomit.

I appologize in advance, for the graphic nature of this post.

Stopped by the house on Saturday. Hadn't been there in a few days and wanted to check the mail, get the bills, see if maybe I won the sweepstakes, check the smell, that sort of thing. In the course of my errands, I happened to go into the bathroom. Let's just say this was a BIG mistake.

The AC was on, so I went over to shut the window (that's a post for another day) and looked into the tub. Interestingly, there was water in the tub, about 3 inches deep or so at the drain, extending a decent length towards the back of the tub. It looked pretty dirty. I toggled the drain switch, and realized that the drain was open, and the tub just wasn't draining. I looked down at the drain, and this is when I almost lost my cookies. The drain was completely covered with hair. This wouldn't normally bother me, as I've lived with Megan for how many years? (I'm just saying, when the girl's hair is long, it can clog a tub drain.) Megan's hair is clean, however. Mixed in with the hair in the drain (plenty of which looked like ,ahem, body hair) was a hodgepodge of I don't know what. Dirt was involved. as well as what looked like maybe underwear fuzz or something. The thing that almost made me lose my cookies was the little chunks of something that were clogging some of the holes in the drain cover. They looked organic, and I shudder to think of what they could have been.

So the obvious question was, what the hell do I do about this? It's only 11 AM, so S is clearly still sleeping, if he's there, but I haven't seen him in a week, so he might be dead in his bed. I start to wrap my hand in paper towel, at which point Megan shrieks and forbids what is about to happen. (Thank God!) Then I remember that I am a diva, and insisted on installing a spa massage shower head. I call one of the settings on the shower head the "rip your nipple off" setting, because it is a centered, huge high pressure blast of water. I decide that I will try to blast the cover of the drain free from debris, and hopefully at least get the standing water out of the tub. As I'm preparing to do this, S comes out of his room (unbeknownst to me) to give Megan (also unbeknownst to me, I swear punkin!) a book, complete with inscription, that he got her. (Definitely more on this another day.) So I hear his voice, and go out in the living room to ask if he has any idea what's going on with the tub. He states that he doesn't and what do I mean? I explain the water to him and he follows me into the bathroom. He looks down and says "Gross, I'll have to clean that out. It kinda smells." HOLY SHIT! S smelled something, and knew it was bad? Something overpowered his sense of smell? Can we bottle that shit and send it off to the troops to use? He then follows that with vomit in my mouth moment number 2. "Hmm ... it must have been there for a couple of days. I didn't shower yesterday. Do you have any draino?" Through my wretches I explain that draino won't pick up all of his grody hair from on top of the drain. It's designed for hair inside of the drain. His response was "Oh, well, we have some of that scrubbing bubbles crap someplace, right? I'll clean it later."

So, long story short, I blasted the drain with the hose a few times, waited for it to reclog, and did it again until the water subsided. I then sprayed mold and mildew killer all over, got out as many cleaning supplies as I could find, left them all on the counter, and got the hell out of the house. I waited more than 24 hours before returning. The tub was clean, but the memory is burned into my brain.

Aren't you glad I spared you my story about what the toilet was like yesterday, after I hadn't been there to use it in a week?