So, among his other annoying habits, S has this wonderful habit of ripping off only half of a sheet of paper towel every time he takes one. (Due to his cleanliness issues, luckily it isn't too often.) I have one of those stand up paper towel holders, where the sheets come off sideways. He doesn't just rip from the top, halfway across a sheet, leaving a fully attached, half sheet. Instead, he grabs the sheet, goes halfway down, and tears straight across, leaving the bottom half of the piece of paper towel. I don't think I'm explaining this well. Imagine that the piece of paper towel, coming off of the stand up roll is a capital B He doesn't rip down from the top of the B halfway across, he rips off the top half of the B leaving only the part below the midline of the B. Does that make more sense? Maybe not.
I'm not sure why he does this, just like I'm not sure why he does anything he does. I have some ideas, though.
1. Being the hippie he is, he thinks that this conserves and saves the environment.
He'd be wrong of course, because what happens is that I just come along behind him and get stuck taking a sheet and a half of paper towel. Net result = Still two whole sheets used. I also mutter some choice things, which at least contributes to noise pollution, and maybe a little more carbon dioxide, and a little less oxygen in the atmosphere.
2. His aversion to cleanliness extends to paper towels.
He's afraid that taking a whole sheet would absorb too much of his smell and filth. Imagine, if you will, pigpen, with his cloud of dirt, only with S, it's a cloud of smell and dirt. Paper absorbs odor. Just borrow a book from a smoker if you don't believe me. I wonder if he's afraid that taking the whole sheet will soak up too much of his smell.
Speaking of smell, I came home last night after not being home for 24 hours, and though it had been over 90 degrees during the day, he had every window closed, and no air conditioner running. The stink that usually stays in his room had permeated the entire house. Thrilling! Did I mention that his toiletries are in the bathroom, but I've never seen any record of deodorant?
On to trash. I was leaving again after my 5 minute visit last night, and not coming back until tonight, and last night was both trash and recycling. S may or may not know this. He's lived there for 2 full months now, and his big contribution to trash and recycling is that the other day he took out a smelly trash bag and left it on the back deck of our third floor apartment. Mind you, down the two flights of stairs there is a trash barrel, that every Sunday night I pull out to the curb. So I grabbed my overnight stuff, and the two empty pizza boxes, and the trash bag inside the house, and the one on the deck (which smelled OH so good three days after he put it out in 95 degree heat) and prepared to make my descent. Only one problem. Big recycling bin and paper recycling still had to be brought out and I was out of hands. Now, I assume that S thinks we have some kind of trash and recycling fairy that deals with these sorts of things, but as much as it hurt me, I decided to burst his bubble. Our conversation follows.
Me: (knock, knock, pause, crack door while holding breath) Hey, can you do me a favor?
S: (stares blankly at me) huh?
Me: Can you do me a favor?
S: Uh, sure.
Me: I have all of the trash, which I'm taking down now (in my head: just like every other week you lazy ass), but I'm not going to be back until tomorrow. Would you mind taking down the recycling bin and the box of paper recycling on top of it.
S: (stares blankly for a second) uh, OK ...
Me: Thank you. See you tomorrow.
S: Wait, which one?
Me: I'll talk slower. T-h-e o-n-e w-i-t-h t-h-e p-a-p-e-r r-e-c-y-c-l-i-n-g o-n t-o-p. The non-returnable containers.
S: Just the one with the papers on top?
Me: Ding ding ding. We have a winner. Get that boy a prize. See you tomorrow.
S: Oh, you're not coming back?
Me: Umm. Sure, wait up for me.
Anyone want to bet me that when I get home today that he has somehow managed to F it up? Place your bets!
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4 comments:
How did he ever pass the smell test? LOL.
unfortch, most of the conversation i had with him was on the roof deck. outdoors. he may have bathed that day.
S seriously needs a girlfriend... and not one who already has a boyfriend. you need to find this poor man a chick who has lost her sense of smell... then maybe he wont be around all the time to smell things up!
"G, is A coming over this weekend? She's dreamy." -S
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